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  • Darci Daniels

Perpetually Waiting...

Sucks the Joy Out of Life.

Corgi dog Moose is sleeping next to a lap desk with a computer
Moose is unbothered by both taking my spot, and the future.

It seems every day I’m waiting for something. What, I’m not exactly sure. There are times when I can point to a thing in the not far off future and say, “that – I’m waiting for that thing I’m looking forward to”. Though it feels good, even that is a trap that takes me out of today.

The worst waiting is when I have no idea what I’m waiting for… the next client? Something exciting to happen? Anxiety to go away? To be married again? For big success? For school to start? For school to get out? For my daughter to be back home? For the next vacation? For when I’m out of debt? For my life to be more fun? For someone to come and rescue me??

Or for the smaller stuff, like waiting for the next meal, the evening TV, to get back into bed, only to start the waiting all over again tomorrow?

Even when I want to be present, when I remember to breathe into the moment, to look around and find the good stuff, sometimes I still find myself waiting. For a different feeling, a different quality to life, a different kind of happiness.

I’ve always been future focused. It’s what kept me alive from 13-17, honestly. But now in my 40s it feels less healthy and hopeful, and more frustrating. It keeps me perpetually focusing on what’s not there, what I don’t have (yet). It sucks the joy out of everyday life.

So, when I remember to, I give myself a little pep talk from the wise version of me…

Breathe. Unclench your jaw, shoulders, and everything else. You do not have to control everything. You don’t have to control ANYTHING. Surrender to the moment. Find the peace in the moment. Look for the good around you. You don’t have to try SO HARD. Nothing is going to fall apart if you relax for a little bit. Feel how you feel. Stop telling yourself you’re wrong.

I watch my dog, seemingly unbothered by the summer heat or worries about the future. He knows he’s taken care of. What if we knew that too? What if we didn’t operate like we had to control everything around us, and knew we were taken care of by a benevolent universe? (It doesn’t matter if we deeply believe we will be taken care of… just imagining it’s possible can shift our mindset enough to relax and make choices from a better place.)

I, for one, wouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’d actually be more apt to take action; not worrying about whether things were perfect, or I had the right energy to do it, and instead letting ‘good enough’ be okay. There are some things I have no problem doing this with (dinner, throwing a party, wrapping a present), but for 90% of my life, ‘good enough’ has not been an option. I think it needs to be. I think ‘good enough’ and gratitude in the moment for what’s in front of me to find some joy in, is the goal. If we only count the bigger joys, or things we’re waiting to happen outside of us to make us happy, then we feel clenched, controlling, and exhausted. I can create ‘good enough’ joy in my daily life; I don’t have to wait for more – perfection, bliss, or fantastic things later. Those are great, but they’re not the only things that will make me happy. Small delights can be just as fulfilling, or even more so. Go big or go home doesn’t work in this case.

I’ll allow good enough, relaxing, and letting myself be human show me the way to joy and peace, now.

No more waiting.

P.S. Why yes, I am an Enneagram 4, why do you ask? LOL

If you don’t know about your Enneagram type, or why this is funny, I’m happy to help you find out!


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